Damsel in distress

Conflicted. I'm still trying to figure things out, particularly what the subject of conflict is. I don't know why I don't know.

I suppose I know.

What weighs more: fighting for what you know to be true, your belief, your reality -- or your responsibility for another person's feelings, particularly as they fight for their truth, their belief, their reality?

The conflict is borne of the fact that your truths don't match.

It's not so bad, if you were only friends. Friends disagree all the time about what they want and don't want in their lives. But what if your life is his life, and vice versa?

In preserving someone because they are fragile, you expose your own vulnerability. Then you realize that you, too, need saving.

Because it could actually be true: giving someone life can lead to your own (slow) death.

muni-muni

I got what I wanted, finally. What I waited for, for a very long time.

I’ve just been transferred to a position that gives due respect to the professional title I hold: environmental planner. I should feel happy and, after years of unending patience, maybe even vindicated.

But honestly, I can't say that I’m satisfied.

I wanted this, yes – three years ago. Things change in three years. The deepest shift being this: in my heart I know that it’s no longer my dream to be employed by an international firm with “pedigree” and a long history of success that I can count on; to stay here until retirement; to find professional pride and fulfilment in being one of the many wheels that keep this train chugging along.

Not that there’s anything wrong with it. Many people would love to do what I do, for all the right reasons. I can’t judge. Some people I admire and look up to have worked for this company longer than I have been alive, and it doesn’t seem like they’re complaining.

But see, they’re not me.

Am I too proud to say that I have bigger dreams than that? I don’t think so. What I feel is the strong belief that it can be done.

I’ve asked myself over and over if I deserve that bigger dream. I’ve doubted myself countless times.

But I’m over all the doubting now. I know I can do it. Actually I am already doing it, working towards that vision, albeit in small doses. As time goes by I feel more and more responsible to make the dream grow, to give it life. I need to keep that commitment not just for myself, but for others, and for the deeper “why” that I hold closest to my heart.

My only question is timing.

How much longer can I wait? Financial responsibilities, monthly bills, family obligations that I haven’t even begun to meet… Realizing the dream means giving up stability, possibly losing money, probably depending on already overstretched parents, making other people worry about my welfare. Is it irresponsible to “run from safety” now?

Or is it irresponsible not to?